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Par For the Course?
By Bobbie Katz
A
round and a round and a round they go. Where their balls stop,
nobody knows.
Clint
Holmes, Amazing Johnathan, Mac King and Frank Marino are all
highly polished and seasoned entertainers known on the Las
Vegas Strip. But on one recent early Monday morning, they
were forced to remember that it’s not easy being “green”
--at least when it comes to their performance on the golf
course.
None of them were experienced when it came to playing the
game but all were willing to take their shot (actually, lots
of them) at the beautiful Reflection Bay Golf Course at Lake
Las Vegas. For those who might be wondering what happens when
you take a singer, two comedy magicians, and a female impersonator
and try to get them into the swing of things together, we
quickly found out what was behind the saying, “different
strokes for different folks.”
In a day that gave a whole new meaning to the term “celebrity
golf,” we got to see up close and personal the long
and short of it all – and survived (albeit ducking often)
to tell the tale.
No
Ands, Ifs or Putts About It
The
day got off to an auspicious start in the driveway outside
the entrance to the Mira Lago clubhouse and pro shop.
“There are no pockets in this golf bag,” Clint
noted, as he tried to find a place to put his personal effects.
“You have to open it up first,” Mac advised
“Oh, THIS is the golf bag,” Clint realized as
he unzipped the cover and peered inside
He probably could have used a hefty gulp of that Windex.that
Johnathan swigs in his show to get a clearer picture of the
sport and its accoutrements. But once Clint’s things
were safely tucked away, we made our way to the awaiting golf
carts. Two rode together – Clint and Mac and Frank and
me. As for Johnathan, along with a gallon of water and a bag
of cherries, he had brought his own mode of transportation
– an electric-powered Segway, which kind of looks like
a miniature steam roller and can definitely respond in like
manner. It proved to be a great vehicle for ball-chasing,
as we soon discovered, being as good in the bush as it was
in the hand..
Cruising over to a green area (that about defined how much
we knew about where we were), we stopped the carts and got
out. We had passed Johnathan, who had gotten ahead of us and
was showing one of the female employees his Segway. As he
caught up to the group, another sign of what the day was about
to bring soon followed.
“Why are there two holes in this green?” Marino
inquired, as he ducked huge dragon flies dive-bombing the
course overhead and stepped over the balls that were everywhere
beneath his feet.. Mac informed him that it was the practice
green and, with that, the four guys got out their clubs –
sort of.
In true showbiz style, Clint announced “Let’s
rehearse our putting.”
In his true Queen for a Day style, Frank asked, “Are
those our clubs in there?,”
pointing
to the golf cart about 10 feet away. “You mean, we have
to carry s----, too?”
As the photographers got ready to take their shots, the four
were busy taking theirs.
“Mac, I’m going to lay down with a ball in my
mouth and you make it look like you’re driving the ball
out of my mouth,” Johnathan said.
“Do you know a guy named Boston Mike McDermott?”
Mac responded. “He did that but he replaced the ball
with a small watermelon. The pink flesh was all over the place
– it was really neat.”
To someone who, in his act, gets his cookies off by making
Fig Newtons appear in some of the strangest places, that probably
would be neat. But I couldn’t help thinking that if
someone were swinging at my mouth, no matter what was in it,
I’d want to know how to do another one of Mac’s
tricks – the one where he makes his own head disappear
inside a paper bag. I thought it might work particularly well
with a golf bag (provided, of course, that one understood
the bag better than Clint.).
That aside, the putting practice and the photography continued.
At points, as Clint pointed out, the scene looked like something
out of a Woody Allen movie – Clint putting three balls
into the same hole (“Isn’t that the way it’s
always done?” he innocently asked); Frank lying on his
back in the sun atop a huge silver reflector; Johnathan in
the bushes looking for his ball, and Mac flying by on Johnathan’s
Segway.
It was time to move on to Hole #1.
The
Hole Nine Yards
The wind was blowing hard and Frank had to really hold on
to his earrings as we drove in the golf cart.
“This sport has everything I don’t believe in
– bugs, early wake-ups and cars that don’t go
over 25 miles an hour,” he muttered, swatting at and
ducking the dragon flies that swooped at the cart.
We all stopped to ask for directions to the first hole and
a gentleman named Bob, who worked for Reflection Bay, gave
us little pamphlets that described each hole, in which this
score could be kept (but then, who was counting?). He also
handed us each a little metal thing.
“Is this for digging the ball out or is this a can opener?”
Frank inquired.
It was actually a little tool for replacing the divits or
the earth that is unleashed when some attempt to hit the ball,
making chunk-style holes on the fairway. As we got to the
first hole, everyone alit from the carts. This hole was right
on the lake, which was cool, clear, picturesque -- and soon
to be filled with lots of golf balls.
Clint shot first and sent his ball sailing into the water.
“I’m the first person to ever do that?”
he posed at the regales of laughter.
“Yeh, Clint, I didn’t want to say anything, but…….”
Johnathan quipped.
Mac shot next,, ensuring that Clint’s ball wouldn’t
be lonely at the bottom of the lake.
“At least I skipped my ball,” Clint said with
pride. “He just plopped his..”
“I’m going to go way overhead,” Johnathan
announced.
“Just hit it,” said Clint.
“Hey, I didn’t talk during your game!” Johnathan
shot back.
Johnathan swung and got it on the short fairway.
“What’s wrong with that” he noted. Nothing,
except that his second stroke sent his ball into the lake
also.
Frank was up next., using a putter to drive with. He shot
and got the ball over the hill and past the sand.
“What’s wrong with that?” he reiterated.
He didn’t know it but, quite appropriately, he had gotten
it onto the ladies’ tee.
“This going to be a 45-minute two-hole game,”
Johnathan laughed.
“That’s okay, “ Frank said. “My ball’s
the only pretty one – you don’t need scuba gear
to find it!”
As the others followed their balls down the hill in their
various modes of transportation, Frank carried the ball –
literally. Even though the others had shot their balls into
the lake, they were so far ahead of him yard-wise that he
just picked his ball up and took it in the cart with us. He
was determined to place it next to theirs for his next shot
as a reward for not hitting it into the water.
“They don’t have to perform two shows tonight
in six-inch heels,” Frank quipped in his defense.
“I took a strike penalty,” Mac announced.
“I can’t believe that we’re still on the
first hole,” Frank complained. “And people play
18 holes. I was upset when I couldn’t find the windmill.”
“I got the ball in the water on purpose so that I could
take a one-strike penalty,” Johnathan related.
“So that you could throw the ball where Frank threw
his – right over there where he’s cheating…
I mean, playing,” Clint cajoled.
Frank hit the ball (again with the putter) and it went about
10 feet, taking chunks of grass with it. “I hope that
the landscaper is coming today,” he sighed. ”Where
is the hole anyway?”
Clint was up next and his shot went into the bushes.
“They’re really touchy here about driving onto
the green,” Mac advised his friend.
“I think you need a special golf ball with an antenna
on it to keep it from going into the water,” Johnathan
mused, getting ready to swing. As he took his shot, .Mac called
out, “Aim for Frank.”
Johnathan’s shot went into the bushes on the hill instead.
“Perfect,” he noted. “All is going according
to my evil plan. You gotta hit again, too, Frank.”
“I’m busy hitting bugs,” Frank replied,
“My ball is in my hand.”
“I think I got a seven on this hole,” Mac informs
the guys.
“I think I got a nine,” Clint reveals.
“You said that out loud?” Johnathan queried.
Play ended with Mac paying Johnathan a $100 bet for having
the best score on Hole 1. It was time to move on to Hole 2.
It’s
In The Bag
“Great – there’s no water in view,”
was Clint’s first comment upon arriving at Hole 2.
“It’s a worm burner,” said Mac.
“Where’s the hole?” asked Frank.
“Can I use your club? Johnathan asked Mac. “Where
should I put the ball?”
“Just put it anywhere,” Mac responded.
Johnathan hit the ball but it didn’t go very far.
It was Frank’s’ turn next..
“Hey, Frank, there’s a dragon fly on your head,”
Johnathan admonished.
“That’s good strategy, guys, don’t you think?”
he whispered to Clint and Mac.
Frank swung at the ball, again with the putter instead of
a driving iron (“Like my ball knows the difference,”
he quipped). He got good wood (actually, in baseball terms,
he grounded it) and the ball landed on the hill next to the
green.
“Hey, it’s past Jonathan’s,” Clint
exclaimed.
“Where’s my scooter?” Johnathan wanted to
know,
“Where are you going to scoot, two feet to your ball?”
Frank cajoled. “Should I go again now?”
“Rock and roll,” Clint answered.
“As long as we can get two holes in I can get my money
back,” Mac mused.
“Where did you say the flag is?” Frank asked one
more time.
Johnathan hit again and chopped it; Mac took his shot and
so did Clint. The next thing I knew, Clint and Johnathan were
in the bushes together once again, searching for their balls.
“Hey, look at Frank….or his ball,” Mac suddenly
exclaimed. “You’re not putting the ball –
you’re not allowed to use a putter but it’s an
excellent strategy.”
“Sorry, I didn’t read the manual,” Frank
retorted, realizing that someone finally noticed. “The
putter works better for me – it’s got a bigger
head.”
Johnathan found his ball and took another shot. “Strike
one,” he yelled.
It was pretty visible to the naked eye how Clint, Johnathan
and Frank were doing on this hole. And Mac?
“If par is a 10, it just might be a birdie,” he
teased.
Clint hit his next shot and the ball rolled down the green.
“Clint has an amazing short game,” Mac noted.
“Hey, it’s not that amazing,” Clint came
back.
Just then, Johnathan announced that he only had enough Segway
juice for one more hole. Frank and Mac were both on the green;
Mac was going for par.
“Mac, what did you have for breakfast this morning?”
Johnathan called out.
“Pepsi,” Mac said.
“That’s it -- use that strength you got from it.,”
Johnathan said.
Mac used all the strength he could muster but he still shot
one stroke over par. There was some good news however; he
got his $100 back from Johnathan.
Tee For Two
Johnathan used the little juice he had left and Segwayed back
to the clubhouse and Frank decided that he’s rather
play “Driving Miss Bobbie” so Clint and Mac decided
to go play Hole 3 alone.
“I don’t know where the hole is but it’s
somewhere straight ahead,” Mac said to Clint. “Just
hit your double-ricochet planned shot.”
“Seriously, the problem with golf is that I’ve
always been an athlete and I don’t want to play unless
I play well,” Clint expressed, posed to swing. ”Why
would I get upset because I don’t play well? I DON’T
KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.”
“What about golf lessons?” I inquired.
“Nah, I’d rather be playing tennis,” Clint
smiled.
“I now understand why sports announcers whisper when
people are playing golf on TV,” Frank said, watching
the “action” from the cart. “It’s
because those watching are sleeping and the announcers don’t
want to wake them up.”
“If we were golfers, this would be a wood shot,”
Clint informed us from the hill where he shot the ball..“I’m
going to use wood anyway cause I’m trying to get something
level so I don’t break the club.
He shot the ball and it went about five feet.
“I tried a wood and should have gone with an iron,”
Clint laughed self-deprecatingly.. “Good shot!”
“A lot of business deals go down on the golf course
and now I know why the stock market is the way it is,”
Frank mused. “There’s not one other soul playing.”
“He’s laying a two and I’m laying a three,”
Mac informed us about his and Clint’s game. “He’s
got a lot more responsibility from there.”
“Yeah, and I’m a lot more tired,” Clint
shot back.
Mac swung at the ball and one flew over this cuckoo’s
nest, landing short of the sand trap.
“I could be someone’s caddy,” Frank mused,
still in the cart. “I drive a caddy.”
Clint then took his shot and it landed in the sand.
“Is it good that we talked during your hole?”
Mac asked him.
“Yes, that’s why I hit it there!” Clint
answered.
Clint and Mac made their way down the hill to find Clint’s
ball in the sand trap.
“Six feet to the left and yours would have been a great
shot,” Mac told Clint as they started to walk.
“I was going that way,” Clint was heard to mutter.
With it all, both finished up the hole with 6’s. The
wind was really bad at this point and we all got back in the
carts and started to roll. We decided to make our way back
to the clubhouse. Mac and Clint led the way and Frank and
I followed.
“I’m all disheveled,” Frank said to me as
we drove. “I looked so pretty when I got here.”
Mac and Clint proved to be not much better navigators in the
cart than they were on the course. Finally, after getting
lost and turning around twice, we found the right path. Pulling
up in front of Mira Lago, we knew that the moment we had been
waiting for had finally arrived.
LUNCH!!
Everyone did exceedingly well at that, by the way. The day
was a success.
Mac King headlines in the Improv theater afternoons at Harrah’s;
Amazing Johanthan plays late evenings at the Sahara, and Frank
Marino stars in “An Evening at La Cage” at the
Riviera. Clint Holmes may be going to London at the end of
this year with his autobiographical stage musical.
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BOBBIE KATZ
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